Hello Kitty

How Ridiculous continues perusal of 'Chunky'. How wonderful to have to hand those pearls of wisdom from the funky Kitty of Cheadle.

'Good evening. My name's Kitty. I've had a boob off and I can't stomach whelks, so that's me for you.'

'I'm not a fan of the modern railway system. I strongly object to paying twenty seven pounds fifty to walk the length and breadth of the train carriage with a sausage in a plastic box.'

'Time and again I'm poked in the street by complete acquaintances - Kitty, they say to me, how do you keep so young, do you perhaps inject yourself with a solution deriving from the placenta of the female gibbon? Well no, I say, I don't as a matter of fact. I'm blessed with a robust constitution - my Father's Mother ran her own abattoir, and I've only had the need of hospitalisation once - that's when I was concussed by an electric potato peeler at the Ideal Home Exhibition.'

'No, the secret of my youthful appearance is simply - mashed swede. As a face-mask, as a night cap, and in an emergency as a draught-excluder. I do have to be careful about my health, because I have a grumbling ovary which once flared up in the middle of The Gondoliers. My three rules for a long life are regular exercise, hobbies and a complete avoidance of midget gems.'

'I'm not one for dance classes, feeling if God had wanted us to wear leotards he would have painted us purple.'