Wild pussy

http://www.britneyspears.com/

Dame Shirley wows Manchester

How Ridiculous is just returned from Manchester and heads out later today for Cardiff for Dame Shirley's home-coming concert.

She was absolutely magnificent in Manchester and gave one of the best performances How Ridiculous has ever witnessed.

The audience were their usual diverting self. Indeed, the Manchester Evening News Arena appeared to be the 'in' honeymoon destination for those recently entered into civil partnerships.

The gorgeous picture (taken by André Boon and David Brownlow) shows The Dame's first outfit. As she declared: 'I look like a bloody canary!'

Happily, she also sang like a bird. A full list of the numbers she got through are listed:

S’Wonderful
I’m Still Here
Something
Light My Fire
Big Spender - this track she performed twice!
Here’s To Life
New York New York
The Living Tree
Lady is a Tramp
Bond Medley: Goldfinger, Moonraker and Diamonds Are Forever
Music Is My First Love
You Needed Me
Nobody Does It Like Me
Hey Jude
As Long As He Needs Me
What Now My Love
Finale medley: Maybe This Time, Never Never Never, As I Love You, Kiss Me, Honey Honey, Kiss Me and I Am What I Am

Manchester, too, was just marvellous. How Ridiculous was most pleased to be reminded of that Northern Glamour which HR has so missed since moving South.

What a gay day!

As How Ridiculous types this, Dame Shirley Bassey will be on stage in Glasgow on the opening night of her tour.

Sadly, How Ridiculous is not able to be present although tomorrow a journey to Manchester will be made to see THE DAME OF ALL TIME (as described by one of HR's Aunts). Further journeys to Cardiff, Birmingham and Wembley Arena will be made. Four concerts and four different outfits in six days. How Ridiculous will be exhausted.

In an attempt to combat the ever present Pre-Shirley Tension, How Ridiculous spent this morning completing Diarmaid MacCulloch's brilliant 'Reformation'. How Ridiculous has thoroughly enjoyed every page of it.

Following perusal of a most amusing article about Dame Elizabeth Taylor in the ever trusty Daily Mail, HR rollerbladed to the local swimming pool.

There was a Metropolitan Police function imminent, so the place was crawling with boys (and girls) in blue. Happily, no truncheons were on display.

Swimming over, Hyde Park was bladed to and thence down Park Lane and along Piccadilly did HR blade.

Eventually, the cinema was reached. 'Wah Wah' was absolutely superb. Gabriel Byrne was magnificent; but for HR the film was stolen by Julie Walters and even more so by Celia Imrie, both Dames pending surely.

Speaking of Dames, upon arrival home How Ridiculous watched several episodes of the fourth series of 'Are You Being Served?'

We shall refrain from making pussy gags otherwise HR will never be free.

The Prime Minister grants an Audience

So The Holy Father was privileged to be granted an Audience with The Prime Minister this morning.

How Ridiculous wonders if during the course of their discussion The Pope gave TB any tips about how to win a vote in a conclave for as blogged before surely The Papacy is the one job The PM sees as being worthy of his talents when/if he departs Downing Street.

On a slightly different point, it was good to see the Mozart CD given to The Pope still had its security tag on. One can never be too careful.

A wild time in Driffield

Having reported said incident to one of How Ridiculous's dearest friends, she responded in her typically God's own county fashion: 'Bloody antipodians!'

She then proceeded to tell How Ridiculous about the weekend she was spending with her Brother and his family.

'Still in Driff. Am knackered. Cock and hens very amusing - dirty b******s. Bunty n ben! Una n ray more like!'

As How Ridiculous replied: 'Don't talk to me about frisky cocks, I've been swimming this afternoon.'

Pope camps it up

However, the highlight of the weekend was the coverage of The Pope's visit to Auschwitz.

How Ridiculous found it all very moving and HR's affection for, and admiration of, The Holy Father reached new heights.

Earlier in the day, How Ridiculous had attended Mass and is sad to report that there was an incident between HR and a loud, very loud, middle-aged, over-weight, male Kiwi.

He sang (loudly) when he should not have done. He spoke (loudly) incorrectly when he had to speak. It was all very trying.

Then the moment for the sign of peace arrived. How Ridiculous had another sign in mind for him but did not give it. Turning to his neighbour, he said: 'Peace be with you. Where are you from?' 'Peace be with you. Nigeria.' 'I'm from New Zealand.'

As the original Elle Macpherson started being distributed, the congregation were treated to: 'I did not know there could be such awfully bad liturgy. And people wonder why the Church in England is dying.'

By this stage, How Ridiculous's patience was thinner than HR's hairline and it finally snapped when we heard 'Popes down the centuries...banned.'

How Ridiculous turned to the gentleman and said: 'Will you be quiet.' As HR said to Mummy when recounting this story to her and she asked what the man's response was: 'It was an instruction, not a question. It did not need a response.'

A funny old weekend

It has, to misquote Arkwright, been a funny old weekend.

How Ridiculous was graced by a visitation from Mother, Brother and a cousin on Saturday.

Lunch was partaken at a Chinese restaurant close to Leicester Square. How Ridiculous has a tremendous affection for it - its walls are covered with portraits of Communist leaders and there amongst them is a portrait of the late Princess of Wales.

Sadly, How Ridiculous's party were not tabled under Diana but rather under Karl Marx which made HR think of Kitty's remark about the pants dropping off but the broccoli being faultless; but we digress.

After lunch, we proceeded to take a trip through Soho. Imagine how disconcerted How Ridiculous was to turn round and find Mother had tripped and was flat out in a gutter in Old Compton Street, a feat not achieved by How Ridiculous - yet.

Back - for good?

Well, after several months, and endless non-demands for more posts from reader/s, How Ridiculous is back - just like dear old Take That.

Whether How Ridiculous is Back for Good remains to be seen - as, indeed, it remains to be seen, if that dearest of boy bands is.

Cinema audiences - Part Three

An enduring theme of this blog is the dreadfulness of cinema audiences.

Today's proved to be no exception.

How Ridiculous was seated between persistent and intermittent belchers.

As a dear friend of HR's said: 'Oh well, that's gone with the wind for you!'

Capote

To persist with, well let's just call it the counter-tenor theme, to the cinema this afternoon to see 'Capote'.

It was hugely enjoyable and how marvellously Philip Seymour Hoffman portrayed the writer's vileness.

(That said, as a performance, How Ridiculous did not think it matched the excellence of Heath Ledger's in 'Brokeback Mountain'. Mr Ledger has been robbed of a Golden Globe and a BAFTA and HR is packing the necessary equipment to camp at the foot of our stairs if he is robbed of an Oscar.)

Of course, Chris Cooper was superb, as always, and Clifton Collins Jr as 'Perry Smith' was just magnificent.

To top it all, the music was divine as Lady Thatcher said at the end of The Duke and Duchess of York's wedding.

The Queen and The Queen?

So South Korea's 'The King and The Clown' has sold excess of 11 million tickets since its premiere there in December.

This makes it South Korea's third-most popular film ever.

The movie is, to quote, 'about a delicately effeminate male clown caught between the affections of a despotic king and a fellow performer.' [How Ridiculous's emphasis.]

Of course, How Ridiculous looks forward to its opening (as it were) in England.

However, HR is left wondering if straight will ever come back into fashion or whether the future is bright...the future is bent.

The Sun

Friday evening saw How Ridiculous watch 'The Sun', Alexander Sokurov's take on the downfall of the land of the Sun.

It was a shame Emperor Hirohito was not seen broadcasting the renunication of his divine status and it was a pity that his reaction to the bombings of Hiroshimo and Nagasaki was not seen.

Nevertheless, How Ridiculous thought the film brilliant, especially Issey Ogata's performance as The Emperor.

What a difference in the reaction of His Majesty to his downfall and the reaction of The Fuhrer to his, so memorably portrayed by Bruno Ganz in the previously blogged about 'Downfall'.

Daily Mail does it again

The following was in yesterday's Ephraim Hardcastle column.

'The cowboy shirts worn by the stars of much-ballyhooed film Brokeback Mountain have been auctioned on eBay for $100,100.51. They were bought by philanthropist David Bohnett, who owns the former Beverly Hills house of late movie cowboy Gary Cooper, who was not averse to the company of chaps. Bohnett's boyfriend Tom Gregory compares the shirts to the footwear of Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz: 'They are the ruby slippers of our time,' he says. Will Friends of Dorothy of agree?'

A Telegraph leader

Still in today's Daily Telegraph, a leader entitled 'A papal shot across Beijing's bows'.

It included the following.

'Joseph Ratzinger surprised us by the receptive, pastoral face he presented to the world once he had moved from the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith to the papal throne. He disarmed his liberal critics by the publication in January of Deus Caritas Est, his first encyclical as Benedict XVI. And yesterday he fired a shot across China's bows by naming Bishop Joseph Zen of Hong Kong, a Salesian, among the first batch of cardinals he will create next month. This Pope has started slowly. But he is rapidly gaining momentum and emerging from the immense shadow thrown by his predecessor.'

Up The Pope, as Frankie Howerd might have said.

It's Lacroix, darling

An interesting diary piece in today's Daily Telegraph entitled 'Royal Fan'.

Apparently, Zara Phillips is the British woman Christian Lacroix would most love to dress.

According to the man who inspired that memorable scene in Absolutely Fabulous, 'I think she is one of the most beautiful girls in Britain, alongside Vanessa Redgrave and Marianne Faithfull.'

What an interesting trio of 'beauties'!

The Dissident Prince

So The Prince of Wales wishes to 'influence opinion'.

How Ridiculous thinks it is fair to say that he has most certainly done that.

Germaine curtsies

So Germaine Greer curtsied when introduced to Her Majesty at a Buckingham Palace reception.

Perhaps the feminist icon could tell another great feminist that it is perfectly acceptable to be polite to one's monarch.

As The Queen Mother is rumoured to have said about the Prime Minister's Consort's reluctance on this score: "I don't really mind though I do wish her knees would not quite lock so."

Pavee Lackeen

Sunday afternoon saw How Ridiculous once more at the cinema. This time the film being seen was 'Pavee Lackeen' which translated means 'The Traveller Girl'.

Despite How Ridiculous being descended from gypsy stock, the film has to be one of the worst HR has seen for many a moon.

Certainly, Winnie was endearing and she uttered a classic line when asked why she did not go to confess about her stealing: 'The priest won't take me.' Too funny!

That aside, HR found the film both patronising and enraging.

The latter because Winnie's mother seemed incapable of taking any responsibility for her own life and situation and How Ridiculous wanted to grab her and tell her she was the master of her own destiny and she could sort out her own problems and that it was not the job of other people to do so.

As for the patronising aspect of the film, it was essentially the audience being patronised, not least by the fact that despite all the characters speaking English it was subtitled.

How ridiculous!

To be pretentious or not to be pretentious...

Late last year, How Ridiculous was lucky enough to see a performance in York of the production of 'Hamlet' which has just opened in the West End.

HR must confess to a great regard being excited for the Prince - or at least the actor who played him - so it was with great delight that How Ridiculous read the article about him in the Culture section of The Sunday Times.

So ripe in wonderful lines from both interviewer and interviewee was said article that How Ridiculous quotes some of them here.

Interviewer: 'Sir Tom...seemed as mesmerised as any cab driver or accountant might be to find himself in row G, watching his boy doing the big one.'

Interviewer: 'He may not have his father's self-deprecation and Hampstead manners...'

Interviewer: 'Stoppard [senior] left Miriam for Felicity Kendal, about whom Ed is always charming'.

Interviewee: 'There are times when I wish I'd been brought up on a council estate, or witnessed people being massacred in Eastern Europe as a child.'

Reflecting on his childhood Ed commented: 'Really, it was just 'Say hello to Mr Pinter before you go and play with your Action Man.''

Ed continued: 'Harold Pinter said my father was the only person who voted for Thatcher who he actually liked.'

And then in many ways the piece de resistance: 'My parents don't do nepotism and neither do I.'

As a dear friend of How Ridiculous's commented in a text exchange about the article: 'I want to s**t down their pious necks!'

Good night, and good luck

To the cinema this afternoon to see the sensational 'Good night, and good luck.'. (The above picture is centred so How Ridiculous cannot be accused of being a pinko or a McCarthyite.)

David Strathairn was absolutely superb as Ed Murrow; but the joy of the film was the wonderful, wonderful jazz, performed by Dianne Reeves.

Watching the feature, How Ridiculous reflected that Mr Murrow's observation that 'we cannot defend freedom abroad by deserting it at home' is a truth which should be universally acknowledged.

A new role for Wendy Richard

Whilst on the theme of assisted blondes, How Ridiculous wonders if Wendy Richard might be asked to become a godmother to Mr and Mrs Cameron's son given that he has been named 'Arthur'?

Dolly Parton

Thursday actually turned into something of a country day for there was a wonderful article about the even more wonderful Dolly Parton in The Daily Telegraph.

How Ridiculous is a great fan of Miss P and had the great honour of seeing her at the Hammersmith Apollo when she appeared there a few years ago.

HR has fond memories of her rendition of 'Jolene' and the change of words to 'I cannot compete with you drag queen...'

Marvellous stuff - as was the aforementioned article. It was published to mark Dolly's 60th birthday and the release of her new album 'Those Were The Days', which sees her record with Mary Hopkin. Hooray!

Here are some extracts from the article.

'At recent gigs she's chuckled that were she to 'do a Janet Jackson', her DD-cups would take out the first four rows.'

'Long Island up-and-comer Mindy Smith recalls covering Jolene for a tribute album. Parton actually came to the studio. 'Her presence is just anointed!' she says, laughing. 'I was curled up behind her in the foetal position while she heard my vocals. Then she turned around and said, 'Well, honey, you're gonna make me rich!''

'Fabulous' doesn't do her justice, as one reviewer once wrote of Dame Shirley Bassey.

Brokeback Mountain got me good

On Thursday evening How Ridiculous went to see 'Brokeback Mountain'. This was the fifth occasion on which HR has seen the film - and the first time for almost three weeks. How ridiculous is that?

It has been announced that Willie Nelson who performs 'He was a friend of mine' on the film's soundtrack has recorded a song entitled 'Cowboys Are Secretly, Frequently (Fond of Each Other)'.

The song was originally written in 1981. According to Mr Nelson: 'The song's been in the closet for 20 years. The timing's right for it to come out...I'm just opening the door.' Indeed.

And it would seem that the door has been opened in Singapore too for the film has been passed for showing there, although to see it one will have to be over 21.

And to top it all...

...How Ridiculous was sent the following website to peruse:

www.mingers.com

How ridiculous!

The foetus returns

What a shame Tony Banks was not alive to see William Hague return to the place How Ridiculous has always most admired him: at the Despatch Box asking questions of The Prime Minister.

Below are some extracts.

Mr. William Hague (Richmond, Yorks) (Con): I thank the Prime Minister for his good wishes to my right hon. Friend the Member for Witney (Mr. Cameron) and his family, which I will convey to him.

For the first time in history at Question Time, all three parties are represented by a stand-in for the real leader.

Mr Hague: It is the opinion of all decent lawyers—the Prime Minister should ask one; he probably has one at home—that the Lords amendment that we support covers more than written statements.

The Prime Minister: I am sorry but, as ever with the right hon. Gentleman, the jokes are good but the judgment less so.

Mr. Hague: When the Deputy Prime Minister said of local government last week

“if you want to have a unitary then you can have a ballot, discuss it with the people, but if you want it, fine”,

what exactly did he mean?

The Prime Minister: I think it is very, very clear. I am just surprised that the right hon. Gentleman cannot follow it.

Mr. Hague: I know it is a long time since I have asked the Prime Minister questions, but it seems even longer since we had an answer. Can he not now experience a deathbed conversion to democracy, as the Chancellor asked me to call it, and ensure that the people are listened to, that if they wish to retain their existing local government structures, they are allowed to do so, and that they are given an opportunity to end the drift to regional government that is unelected, unaccountable and utterly unwanted?

The Prime Minister: There is no need for a conversion to democracy in my case. I remember that the right hon. Gentleman and I stood in a democratic election in 2001, and I also remember the result.

The Member for Ealing North

But, of course, the most amusing and perhaps the most important speech during the Health Bill debate was made by Stephen Pound (he's the one in the red, left), the Member for Ealing North.

Below are the extracts which especially struck and tickled How Ridiculous.

Stephen Pound: A number of my colleagues are already asking how the Whips want them to vote on the free vote, but for once we are able to make a decision without any of the normal party-political baggage....

Every morning I used to rise and have a reflective cigarette; then I would have breakfast and a cigarette; then I would say my prayers, but remember what my good Jesuit confessor said: "You should never ever smoke while you are praying, but you can pray while you are smoking." I would then get on a bus and leap like a lithe gazelle to the upper deck, where I would have a couple of Players Weights before jumping off. By the time I got to primary school, I could, as ashtray monitor, go to the staff room and pick up a few dog-ends.

Lynne Jones rose—

Stephen Pound: On the subject of fag-ends, I will certainly give way to my hon. Friend.

Stephen Pound: The first is the pure libertarian view, eloquently expressed by the hon. Member for Rutland and Melton (Mr. Duncan) in his famous book, which is compulsory bedside reading for many of us, that everything should be allowed. That is a legitimate intellectual argument.

The second option is the counter-argument that everything should be banned. Tobacco is bad for people—ban it. Cars are bad for people—ban them. Alcohol is bad for people—ban the lot. Ban everything, and we will subsist on a milk toast diet of muesli as we shuffle through the empty streets of our city, looking for a little stimulation where we may find it.

Those are both perfectly legitimate intellectual arguments: everything bad is banned; everything bad is allowed. Or, we can opt for—dare I say it?—co-existence and compromise. Instead of concentrating on what divides us, let us concentrate on what unites us. Would it not be possible—

Frank Dobson (Holborn and St. Pancras) (Lab): To become a Cameronian?

Stephen Pound: I am more of a Cameroonian—a fan of Samuel Eto'o.

Why should it not be possible for those of us who wish to do so to go to our Royal British Legion, where the staff are happy and prepared to work, and where the members are happy and prepared to enter, to have our cigarette and our pint? Others prefer the smoke-free sushi bars of—I was going to say Primrose Hill, but my right hon. Friend the Member for Holborn and St. Pancras (Frank Dobson) is in his place, and I do not wish to embarrass him. Why cannot we have the choice? It would be sensible to step back a little as putative legislators and accept that sometimes simply banning something does not make it disappear.

Lembit Öpik (Montgomeryshire) (LD) rose—

Stephen Pound: On the subject of those things that one would not wish to ban, I give way to the hon. Gentleman.

Earlier, I mentioned the smoke-free cowl on the Upper Committee Corridor, but now I refer the House to the dystopic hell—"Hernando's Hideaway"—that is the smoking room on the Library Corridor. It is like the "Raft of the Medusa" most nights, with great groups of people crammed into it. The air there is a little much even for my fragile lungs.

We need sanity and sense. This debate has stirred great emotions, but talking about dead bodies littering the streets, adopting an absolute position and saying that smoking will disappear if it is banned are not good ways to approach the matter. We must accept the reality of tobacco's existence and try to mitigate the nuisance and annoyance that it causes. We must protect young people from tobacco smoke and stop them taking up smoking, but for heaven's sake we must not make matters much worse by introducing legislation that Draco the lawgiver would have felt was too extreme.

More from the Palace

The following exchange during yesterday's debate on health much amused How Ridiculous.

Mr. Lansley: I am sure that the Secretary of State has added very little to the clarity, so let us see where we get to.

I should like to give the Secretary of State our thanks for the kind remarks that she directed to my right hon. Friend the Member for Witney (Mr. Cameron) and to Samantha. Opposition Members are delighted at the safe arrival of a baby boy for Samantha and David at St. Mary's, Paddington, this morning. If I may, I shall trespass a moment and also express our good wishes to the family of my hon. Friend the Member for Windsor (Adam Afriyie) and their baby boy; to my hon. Friend the Member for Hammersmith and Fulham (Mr. Hands), who has a baby girl; and, in expectation, to my hon. Friend the Member for Monmouth (David T.C. Davies). Opposition Members are doing our bit to defuse the demographic time bomb.

David Taylor: They are all in labour wards.

Mr. Lansley: Better than the Labour party.

Ugandan response

Nor, in fairness, must we forget Private Eye's take on these interviews.

Vive la France

How Ridiculous's admiration of France is well known - at least to How Ridiculous - but news that the Council of Europe is to rap that dear country's human rights record brings to mind Lady Thatcher's commentary about France and human rights during the bicentenary of the French Revolution.

Here is an extract from a French television interview the then Prime Minister gave in July 1989.

'Interviewer: On Friday in Paris you will be celebrating our Revolution. In your view are human rights, which will be very much part of that celebration, are human rights a French invention?

Prime Minister: No, of course they are not, they are far older than that. We had Magna Carta 1215 and human rights were part of Classical Greek.

And of course, if I might say so, even deeper than that the concept of human rights really comes from a mixture of Judaism and Christianity. Those are the only religions which regard the individual as having supreme dignity, being personally accountable and having certain fundamental human rights which no state can take away.

Interviewer: So there is no French leader on human rights.

Prime Minister: Good heavens no, nor do I think France would claim that.

1215 Magna Carta, 17th Century the Bill of Rights here, Parliamentary control here 1688.

No, surely no great civilised country like Europe, which was once the centre of Christendom, which is where your human rights, Christendom and Judaism, the religions which gave sanctity to the individual, dignity, which no government should take away. I hope no-one is going to suggest that those should be ignored.

Interviewer: Do you believe though that the French Revolution still has some sort of universal message?

Prime Minister: No, forgive me for saying so, but no. It heralded an age of terror. Then came Napoleon that started to unite Europe by force.No, the message is the age old message that each human person has certain human rights which no state should take away and which every state should uphold. They are not given by the state, they are much deeper than that.But for France it was a great occasion and so of course because we are great friends of France we come to celebrate with her.'

Just in case the citizens had not got the message, the then Mrs Thatcher gave an interview in Le Monde in which she continued on the same theme.

'Interviewer: There were some suggestions that you were a little bit irritated by this French pretence that human rights began with the French Revolution?

Prime Minister: Human rights did not begin with the French Revolution, that is just what I have been doing on television, and I do not think anyone who knows their religious history or their Greek history would suggest they did.

Your human rights really step from a mixture of Judaism and Christianity. They are the only religions which actually regarded the individual as extremely important, the sanctity of the individual, certain rights of the individual which no government can take away.

Europe was coterminous with Christendom at one time. Look, we had 1215 Magna Carta, much later than Christianity. We had the Bill of Right in the middle of the 17th Century. We had 1689, our silent quiet revolution, where Parliament exerted its will over The King.

We had our quiet celebrations last year and this year, very quiet.

Interviewer: Much quieter than in France.

Prime Minister: Yes, much quieter but then it was not the sort of Revolution that France's was, it was done quietly without the bloodshed.

But human rights did not start with the French Revolution. I do not know anyone who could either go back to Greek history—Antigone for example, you know she goes and says when she wants to claim her brother's body and then the King says no she cannot and she says: “You have no right to deny my brother the right to a proper burial, you have no right”.

Good heavens no, it did not start. Liberty, egality, fraternity; they forgot obligations and duties I think. And then of course it was the fraternity that went missing for a long time. Well, it just did, did it not? It heralded an age of terror.

It has been fascinating and the books that have been written about it. I remember having read there were only seven people in the Bastille the night it was stormed. It was quite an extraordinary thing. But the age of terror that came after that and some of the arguments used—“Oh you have to strike these people down because they will be counter-revolutionaries”. Oh, what familiar language to my generation. “They have to be struck down, murdered”. And not only just the way the terrors were done with people loving to see the torture.

Oh no, it was followed by an age of terror, it was followed by Napoleon who was a remarkable man, perhaps too little revered for his law and his administrative capabilities. But he tried to unite Europe by force and we did not get rid of that until 1815.

So no, it did not begin in France. You go from 1782/83, right up to the final death of Robespierre, oh it was an age of terror, it was an age of terror. But I say what happened to the fraternity?

All of these artificial arguments, I was just reading it again this weekend, “Oh they have to go, we shall get counter-revolution”. Counter-revolution—the language of the communists!

Interviewer: Do you think these celebrations are a little bit over the top?

Prime Minister: No, it is for each country to decide how it celebrates. They had the Eiffel Tower after a hundred years, why should they not have a nice time now?'

Ah, those were the days!

Twankey twinkles

Many congratulations to Serena McKellen on collecting an honorary Golden Bear at the Berlin Film Festival.

How Ridiculous wonders if it is the first Bear our finest thespian has picked up.

Proof

To the cinema to see 'Proof' this afternoon.

Whoever (mis)cast Gwyneth Paltrow should be shot. Her dreadful performance ruined what could have been a great film.

She was more wooden than the sets and was completely out acted by the other main actors: Anthony Hopkins; Jake Gyllenhaal; and the superb, superb Hope Davis.

She would have done better to stay home growing apples.

It's just cricket

Good to see the England cricket team honoured at Buckingham Palace.

Happily, there are no reports of any of the royal personages being called a 'knob' as Tony Blair was by Matthew Hoggard at the Downing Street reception earlier this year.

Within Westminster, to misquote Paddy Ashdown

Some more parliamentary exchanges which have amused How Ridiculous this week.

This from questions about the European Constitution on Tuesday.

Rev. Ian Paisley (North Antrim) (DUP): I am sure that the Minister would like to know that people will be greatly alarmed that Europe is in a period of reflection. I assure him that all the reflection in the world is not going to raise the dead; regardless of a certain religious leader who believed in a certain place which has now been abolished, quite evidently the constitution is not going to purgatory, and if it is not in heaven and it is not in hell, it is dead. It would be better for the Minister now to reflect on the price of the funeral and then get a new constitution.

Mr. Alexander: It is intriguing to be offered such advice on Catholic theology by the right hon. Gentleman, but I shall certainly reflect on the points that he has made.

This from Prime Minister's Questions on Wednesday.

Q9. [49482] Mr. Michael Ancram (Devizes) (Con): The Prime Minister opened his responses today, as he does each week, with the words, "In addition to my duties in the House, I will have further such meetings later today." Will he list his duties in the House and say whether, by any chance, they include voting?

The Prime Minister: Periodically is the answer to that.

And these from Business Questions on Thursday.

Mrs. Theresa May (Maidenhead) (Con): Finally, can we have a debate on the public appeal of MPs? I am sure that the Leader of the House will be aware that my right hon. Friend the Member for Witney (Mr. Cameron) has been voted one of the world's 100 sexiest men. [Hon. Members: "Who voted?"] I see that in a BBC poll conducted to find the sexiest Nottinghamshire MP—I have the right county this week—the Leader of the House came seventh. Top of the poll was my hon. Friend the Member for Newark (Patrick Mercer), second was "none of the above", and the Leader of the House even came behind my right hon. and learned Friend the Member for Rushcliffe (Mr. Clarke). A debate would, of course, give my right hon. and hon. Friends an opportunity to give the Leader of the House a few tips.

Mr. Hoon: I have always recognised that I need all the help I can get, but I am quite happy with the result of that particular poll—and so is my wife.

James Duddridge (Rochford and Southend, East) (Con): Who voted many times!

Mr. David Winnick (Walsall, North) (Lab): For reasons that I have never been able to understand, I have never been included in the list of the sexiest MPs. [Interruption.] As I say, the reasons are totally incomprehensible to me.

Walk the line

How Ridiculous is lately returned from seeing 'Walk the line' at the cinema.

What an absolutely stunning and mesmerising performance Joaquin Phoenix gave as Johnny Cash.

And Miss Witherspoon was just marvellous as June Carter.

No doubt How Ridiculous will be at a local music retail outlet in the not too distant to purchase the soundtrack and Mr Cash's 'At Folsom Prison'.

Royals and Prejudice

Whilst on the royal theme, great news that Princess Beatrice is to have a 'Pride and Prejudice' themed 18th birthday party.

How Ridiculous wonders what sort of 'Mrs Bennett' The Duchess of York will make.

To mind comes that wonderful extract from Carol Thatcher's biography of her father, 'Below the Parapet'.

'At a dinner Denis found himself sitting next to the Duchess of York, who had recently been monopolizing the headlines.

'Oh, Denis, I do get an awful press, don't I,' she whined.

At which point Denis leaned back, pinched his thumb and forefinger together and made a theatrical zipping motion across his lips.

'Yes, Ma'am. Has it occurred to you to keep your mouth shut...?'

It seems The Duchess might have taken Sir Denis's advice for her response is not recorded.

Constitutional ridiculousness

Fitting that constitutional reform should rear its head as How Ridiculous finishes Malachi Martin's hugely enjoyable novel 'Vatican'.

Of course, the one piece of constitutional reform that is most necessary is the removal of the legal bar to Roman Catholics ascending the English throne.

Just how ridiculous - to say nothing for outrageous and offensive - is that bar?

Things become even more ridiculous when we consider that one's place in the line of succession is forfeited if one marries a Catholic. Thus Prince Michael had to give up his place in the line to marry his Princess - and who would argue with his choice?

As if that were not too ridiculous things become even more ridiculous when we consider that if one is in the line of succession and marries a Protestant who later converts to Catholicism then one does not lose one's place in the line. Thus The Duke of Kent retains his right to ascend the Throne even though The Duchess is now a Catholic. Interestingly, both his sons are excluded from the succession on the grounds that the first married a Catholic and the second became one.

Ridiculous!

Democracy Task Force

So the Conservatives have finally got round to the constitution and the perceived need for it to be reformed.

Mr Cameron's speech announcing the establishment of the Democracy Task Force included the following lines:

'According to MORI, the proportion of people trusting politicians to put the needs of the country before the needs of party halved between 1974 and 1999… Trust in Parliament fell from 54% in 1983 to 14% in 2000……and trust in the Civil Service has fallen from 46% to 17%.'

To great fanfare, it was announced that the Task Force will be headed by Kenneth Clarke, former Chancellor, former Home Secretary, former Education and Science Secretary and former Health Secretary. The Task Force will also be honoured by the presence of Lord Butler of Brockwell, the former Cabinet Secretary.

Now How Ridiculous would hate to appear cynical but who were leading figures in the politcal and civil service worlds when the decline in trust took place that Mr Cameron described?

And so to Parliament

A couple of parliamentary exchanges that have amused How Ridiculous.

Yesterday's Foreign Office Questions saw Kim Howells respond as follows to a question from Paul Flynn.

'It is not enough to assume that if people eat the right kind of muesli, go to first nights of Harold Pinter revivals—[Hon. Members: "More, more."]—and read The Independent occasionally, the drug barons of Afghanistan will go away. They will not. The poison that is being pumped into the veins of children in the UK is coming from Afghanistan and we must play our part to stop that happening.'

Then today members of the House of Commons debated financial assistance to Opposition parties (including Sinn Fein). Never are our elected representatives more amusing than when discussing their own standards and privileges.

During the course of Sir Patrick Cormack's speech, the following took place.

Jeremy Corbyn rose—

Sir Patrick Cormack: I will give way to the hon. Gentleman, who is looking increasingly like a combination of George V and Mellors the gamekeeper.

Jeremy Corbyn: I am usually accused of looking like George Bernard Shaw.

How Ridiculous wonders how on Earth Sir Patrick knows what Mellors the gamekeeper looks like. Surely, he cannot be a fan of Sean Bean?

Thatcher - The Musical

To paraphrase Kitty, time and again How Ridiculous is poked in the street by complete acquaintances.

'How Ridiculous,' they say.

Happily for How Ridiculous they don't stop there.

No, they continue with: 'are you going to see 'Thatcher The Musical'?'

'Well, no, I'm not as it happens.' respondeth HR.

Why?

Well, simply, because How Ridiculous agrees with Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell that there ain't nothing like the real thing.

Who on Earth could ever top the theatricality of Lady T's performances on 'The Downing Street Years'?

And who can ever forget - or indeed recover from - the footage of her moving radio rendition of Rolf Harris's 'Two Little Boys', her favourite song?

Another one bites the dust, to misquote The Sun

Sad news about the seemingly inconstant gardener and his partner.

But then if one is formed by adultery one is deformed by it.

New Garden of Eden

Great news about the discovery of so many apparently new species of animals and plants in the Indonesian jungle.

How Ridiculous hopes that mankind will be expelled from this Garden of Eden as quickly as he was from the original one.

A delayed exit will, How Ridiculous fears, sentence the species to sure fire extinction.

Anne Diamond's Stomach Surgery

So Anne Diamond admits to having an operation on her stomach to help with the shedding of weight.

If How Ridiculous were Miss Diamond, that gun would be being primed for whoever had done the surgery.

Ooo, err, madam

Continuing the theme of, erm, well, how can we put it, erm, well, ah, yes, of course - brief (pop) careers.

The Sunday Mirror carries an article by Victor Moss about the possibility of a former, well a former lots of things, standing for election as a Conservative MP.

Was it Boy George who described the possible candidate as 'Madam Rickett'?

Shock news

'Dannii's Lesbian CCTV Sex' announces the front page of the 'News of the World'.

The news comes as a great shock to How Ridiculous.

HR did not know CCTV had a sexuality.

Downfall

Home from the cinema to watch the DVD of 'Downfall'.

As the Sunday Express said: 'Gripping, compelling and brilliantly acted, a masterful achievement'.

How Ridiculous was interested to hear Miss Junge mention Sophie Scholl for the film of Miss Scholl's story is one of the best movies How Ridiculous has ever seen.

Mrs Henderson Presents

How Ridiculous went to see 'Mrs Henderson Presents' on Saturday. It was being screened as part of 'The Orange British Academy Film Awards on Tour'.

The film was even more enjoyable than How Ridiculous remembers it having been when first seen last year.

Of course, Dame Judi was magnificent, as was Kelly Reilly. (Come to think of it, they were also fabulous in the previously blogged about 'Pride and Prejudice'.)

Nevertheless, for How Ridiculous the star of the piece was Thelma Barlow who played Lady Conway absolutely brilliantly. Miss Barlow is, surely, one of our most underrated actresses.

Bob Marshall-Andrews

Amongst the merriment that was Wednesday's Prime Minister's Questions, the following especially amused How Ridiculous.

Mr. Speaker: I call Bob Marshall-Andrews.

Mr. Robert Marshall-Andrews (Medway) (Lab) rose—

Hon. Members: Hear, hear.

Mr. Marshall-Andrews: An unsolicited testimonial.

A question of cutlery

So 'Memoirs of a Geisha' has been banned in China.

This follows 'Brokeback Mountain' being effectively banned there too.

As Kitty said: 'And what has China ever given the world? Can you really respect a nation that's never taken to cutlery?'

Trouble with the dogs

Good to see a portrait of the late Robin Cook unveiled and especially good to see it feature his dogs. Seeing the picture reminded How Ridiculous of the following story.

The former Foreign Secretary was once walking along the Mall with his dogs. As he happened to pass Clarence House, their leads became entwined.

Turning to the person next to them a member of The Queen Mother's household commented: 'He can't even walk the dogs properly.'

Oscar nominations

So the Oscar nominations have been announced.

How Ridiculous is incredulous that a certain Miss Shitely has been nominated for best actress.

'Pride and Prejudice' has to be last year's most overrated film. Even Mr Macfadyen's peformance was a disappointment compared with his blistering appearance in 'In My Father's Den'.

And how could anything Brenda Blethyn ever does match the breath taking brilliance of her portrayal of Mari Hoff in 'Little Voice'? How Ridiculous must also confess to a belief that Alison Steadman did the definitive 'Mrs Bennett'.

Anyway, How Ridiculous is, of course, hoping for a win for Dame Judi and for 'Brokeback Mountain' in every category in which it was nominated.

Let's hear it for The Chief Whip, to paraphrase Deniece Williams

How Ridiculous things a lot of the criticism of Hilary Armstrong is most unfair.

Sure, the Government lost a Division yesterday by one vote; but perhaps if the person whose vote lost them that Division had over the past eight years treated the House of Commons and its members with a bit more respect it would not have come down to one vote making a difference.

100 not out

How Ridiculous wonders what The Prime Minister is feeling as he reaches an innings most cricketers would be proud to achieve: 100 not out.

Lord Mischon RIP

Continuing the Spencer theme, Lord Mischon, the late Princess of Wales's lawyer, has died.

How Ridiculous wonders what The Princess would have worn to his memorial service had she still been alive. She always looked especially beautiful in black.

Come to think of it, Her Majesty always looks stunning in mourning garb too, as does Lady Thatcher.

Sir Winston Churchill

Sir Winston Churchill once famously remarked that 'buggers can't be choosers', so it is perhaps fitting that on the fortieth anniversary of his funeral, something about him should come on the back of a posting about 'Brokeback Mountain'.

How Ridiculous once had the great honour to study Sir Winston's papers at Churchill College, Cambridge.

Much, of course, has been and always will be written about his life up to and during his Premierships both in war and peace.

Yet, for How Ridiculous, the greatness of the man was most visible in his years after 1955 and how he responded to his decline. Those years have been brilliantly recorded in 'Long Sunset', the memoirs of Sir Winston's last Private Secretary.

The other thing about WSC How Ridiculous always recalls is that he was descended from Spencer stock and that one of his distant relations came third in the Greatest Briton poll - and that one of his grandsons happened to be one of that person's archest critics.

Lady Bracknell beckons

Fearful as How Ridiculous is that a tendency to excessiveness is being displayed it must be confessed that HR went to see 'Brokeback Mountain' again yesterday - for the fourth time.

How fitting that as entry was made into the auditorium the dulcet tones of Dame Shirley Bassey could be heard singing 'Jesse'. HR jests not. This track was followed by a live version of 'Somewhere'.

The previous Sunday The Dame had sung 'Everytime we say goodbye', 'You'll never walk alone' and 'I get a kick out of you'.

Hidden

To the cinema this afternoon to see 'Cache', or 'Hidden' for those not gifted when it comes to French oral.

Perhaps 'Hidden' is the point of the film for it left How Ridiculous totally mystified, although enjoyably so, unlike one of the viewers. Having managed to moan and complain for the duration she left declaring: 'Of all the films I have seen this sucks more than any of the others.'

And?

Anyway, a couple of observations about the audience, equally applicable to all audiences.

Why is it:

a) people enter the auditorium and faff about in a state of some indecision for what seems an age before sitting down? There are plenty of seats, all of them with excellent views of the screen. JUST SIT DOWN!

b) people sit on the end seat of a row and then are so ungracious when other people ask to get by them so they can sit down

Transport requirements

Writing of cyclists reminds How Ridiculous of an exchange between one of our friends and her Father prior to the birth of HR's godson.

The conversation went something like this.

'I take coffee at work with a girl who, at eight months, has discovered she is with child; and she didn't know.'

Silence. Then: 'Well...what about...well...you know...her cycle?'

'Daddy! I will not discuss other people's motor transport requirements in mixed company.'

Peers for Pedestrians

How Ridiculous's slumber was disturbed this morning by the 'Today' programme's discussion about cyclists.

They are one of the banes of How Ridiculous's life; and it would seem not just HR's life for the radio discussion had been excited by a question in the House of Lords on Thursday.

Lord Quinton had risen to ask Her Majesty's Government 'Whether they will take steps to ensure that bicycle users abide by the Highway Code.'.

Lord Quinton proceeded to offer the nation the benefit of his experience:

'As an elderly resident much given to walking about central London, I constantly perceive riders on the pavement and persons popping through traffic lights that are against them and driving up one-way streets. Perhaps I should declare a kind of medical interest, in that my wife was bumped into by a cyclist going the wrong way up Bond Street—at least it was a good street—and as a result she suffered a fractured pelvis.' (How Ridiculous's emphasis.)

Anyway, the quality of streets aside cyclists excite bike rage in HR.

They have the roads to cycle on.

They have specially painted lanes devoted to them (and aren't the colours hideous?).

And where do hordes of them choose to pedal their machines? Yes, on the pavement.

It's just ridiculous.

Walking down The South Bank often seems like being on the set of the film Alfred Hitchcock might have made: 'The Cycles'.